Post by imayne on Feb 20, 2009 9:04:34 GMT -5
This blog is a little over the top, but boy was I laughing hard when it finally ended.
I wonder if the dad really said that.
Winona Ryder - You Ain’t Shit Without Me
Written on January 20, 2009
Dear Penthouse,
I celebrate this woman’s entire catalogue, everything this gem of human being has done transcends beauty, she could spit on my grandmother and I would tell my G-Ma to apologize for upsetting Ms. Ryder. Every guy has their ‘White Bronco,” an elusive angel of a woman who they will subconsciously chase to the end of the Earth full well knowing that if they ever found her they would freeze up and have to cover their blatant erection… ‘Nona is mine. She has a smile that could cure cancer, an innocence that makes the Virgin Mary seem like a dirty whore, and a voice that causes early puberty.
“Whoa, whoa, wait Luke… you haven’t posted on this site in months, you’re posting on the day Barack Obama becomes President, and you decide to choose Winona Fucking Ryder as your first topic?” In short, yes, and here’s why: while I recognize that writing something on Barack Obama would have been the logical decision, the person I’ll be thinking about when I rest my head tonight will be Pam Dawson from Mr. Deeds, it will be Susanna Kaysen from Girl Interrupted, and it will be that image of Winona on Entertainment Tonight when she was arrested for stealing from Saks 5th Avenue.
Which brings me to the infuriating shop-lifting incident, I don’t quite understand… if Winona Ryder steals from your store you say, “thank you Winona for even thinking about my garbage store, I am honoured to even be remotely involved in your thought process”. For those of you who don’t recall the story, ‘Nona was arrested for stealing over $5000 of accessories from the upscale outlet Saks 5th Avenue. The poo-fucker prosecutors decided it would be appropriate to treat an angel like other people who have committed similar crimes, as such, Ms. Ryder was sentenced to three years probation, a butt-load of community service hours, and had to enter drug treatment program. First of all, if she wants to do drugs, steal and be the general bad ass vixen she is, she has every right to. When I cried over this back in 2002, my dad (who is a slave to the Winona hype) put it into perspective for me, he said, “Luke, you have to understand that the devil has an influence in our world, and one day those prosecutors from California will suffer in Hell, while you and I will be in heaven cleaning Winona Ryder’s feet,” it made me feel better.
I had a discussion about what makes Winona Ryder so fabulous with a cool dOOd I know who, I’m ashamed to admit, is a bigger fan of Winona than I am. It was agreed that she has a beauty that transcends sexuality, she appeals to the five year old boys who get their rocks off to the Sears underwear catalogue, as well as thugs from the inner city who would kill their own mother just for a whiff of ‘Nona’s farts. Ann Coulter would f*ck her, God would f*ck her, hell, Lumberg would f*ck her… there is nothing that can stop her.
I can only pray that one day Winona you’ll read this, and smile, I want to let you know that I would do anything just to make you happy. You don’t realize it yet but your life would be infinitely better with me as your minion.
I’ll walk a thousand miles… just to find the ground deserving of your feet.
Filed in: Luke's Shit.
I wonder if the dad really said that.
Winona Ryder - You Ain’t Shit Without Me
Written on January 20, 2009
Dear Penthouse,
I celebrate this woman’s entire catalogue, everything this gem of human being has done transcends beauty, she could spit on my grandmother and I would tell my G-Ma to apologize for upsetting Ms. Ryder. Every guy has their ‘White Bronco,” an elusive angel of a woman who they will subconsciously chase to the end of the Earth full well knowing that if they ever found her they would freeze up and have to cover their blatant erection… ‘Nona is mine. She has a smile that could cure cancer, an innocence that makes the Virgin Mary seem like a dirty whore, and a voice that causes early puberty.
“Whoa, whoa, wait Luke… you haven’t posted on this site in months, you’re posting on the day Barack Obama becomes President, and you decide to choose Winona Fucking Ryder as your first topic?” In short, yes, and here’s why: while I recognize that writing something on Barack Obama would have been the logical decision, the person I’ll be thinking about when I rest my head tonight will be Pam Dawson from Mr. Deeds, it will be Susanna Kaysen from Girl Interrupted, and it will be that image of Winona on Entertainment Tonight when she was arrested for stealing from Saks 5th Avenue.
Which brings me to the infuriating shop-lifting incident, I don’t quite understand… if Winona Ryder steals from your store you say, “thank you Winona for even thinking about my garbage store, I am honoured to even be remotely involved in your thought process”. For those of you who don’t recall the story, ‘Nona was arrested for stealing over $5000 of accessories from the upscale outlet Saks 5th Avenue. The poo-fucker prosecutors decided it would be appropriate to treat an angel like other people who have committed similar crimes, as such, Ms. Ryder was sentenced to three years probation, a butt-load of community service hours, and had to enter drug treatment program. First of all, if she wants to do drugs, steal and be the general bad ass vixen she is, she has every right to. When I cried over this back in 2002, my dad (who is a slave to the Winona hype) put it into perspective for me, he said, “Luke, you have to understand that the devil has an influence in our world, and one day those prosecutors from California will suffer in Hell, while you and I will be in heaven cleaning Winona Ryder’s feet,” it made me feel better.
I had a discussion about what makes Winona Ryder so fabulous with a cool dOOd I know who, I’m ashamed to admit, is a bigger fan of Winona than I am. It was agreed that she has a beauty that transcends sexuality, she appeals to the five year old boys who get their rocks off to the Sears underwear catalogue, as well as thugs from the inner city who would kill their own mother just for a whiff of ‘Nona’s farts. Ann Coulter would f*ck her, God would f*ck her, hell, Lumberg would f*ck her… there is nothing that can stop her.
I can only pray that one day Winona you’ll read this, and smile, I want to let you know that I would do anything just to make you happy. You don’t realize it yet but your life would be infinitely better with me as your minion.
I’ll walk a thousand miles… just to find the ground deserving of your feet.
Filed in: Luke's Shit.